They Will Say I Died a Hero
by Smile Life Away
Summary: Written for the "sometimes I think we sort too soon" challenge. Post-mortem, Sirius Black reflects on the three times he was a coward.


**A/N: Written for the 'Sometimes I think we sort too soon challenge' by Amy is rockin**

**Thanks to Morghen for your inspiration for the final scene**

**Thanks to wvvampire for betaing**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

* * *

_They will say I died a hero, and that's all that matters_

_Not that I ran away_

_Not that I left my brother to become a monster_

_No, all of that is forgotten with death._

_They will say I fought for justice._

_They will say I broke tradition._

_They will say I died a hero, even though I was a coward._

_Because I did not run to freedom_

_I ran away from bondage_

_And that makes all the difference in the world._

-oOOo-

The crystal bowl lay in pieces on the ground and Regulus clapped and stuffed a biscuit in his mouth. As for Sirius, he looked around terrified; his mother was going to kill him. After all he'd just thrown a ball, missed his brother's head, and hit a crystal bowl – sending it off the table and onto the ground below where it had crashed.

"Shut up, Reggie!" He snapped, not wanting to wake his mother, who was sleeping in the next room.

But the five-year old just laughed as Sirius scrambled to pick up the ball and stuff it in his robes just as Walburga Black entered – wiping sleep from her eyes.

What happened!" She yelled, as soon as she noticed the destruction on the ground.

"Regulus broke it!" He accused automatically, "he got upset cause I wouldn't get him another biscuit…and…and the glass shattered!"

"I did not!"

"Regulus." Walburga's voice instantly turned sickly sweet as she walked over to her youngest son, who was sitting at the table ready to argue. "Did you use magic for the first time?"

From behind his mother's head, Sirius nodded.

"No. Sirius just doesn't want to get in trouble. He tried to throw a ball at me and missed and broke the bowl." Regulus's eyes narrowed.

"Sirius Black!"

-oOOo-

_I suppose that childhood cowardice doesn't count; if you had a mother like her you would be a coward too. And Regulus can't really be blamed either, he didn't know any better. He thought he'd get in trouble if he admitted to something he hadn't done. No, childhood accidents are just that, childhood accidents. Still, I couldn't sit down for days after that incident and I didn't forgive him for at least a week._

_Even though it really wasn't his fault._

_So many things weren't really his fault._

_My idiot little brother who had nothing but corruption in his life. _

_And yet, I find it impossible to pity him._

-oOOo-

He was alone. Sirius Black was never alone, but then there was a first time for everything, right. He wandered through the outer hallways of Hogwarts with his hands buried in his pockets and his eyes drifting aimlessly.

"He wants to see you, there's nothing you can do about it, Black."

Instantly Sirius's head shot upwards, but he wasn't being addressed. Regulus was standing opposite of Mulciber.

"I…I don't want to."

"You don't have a choice, Black!" Mulciber snapped, shoving him against a wall. "The Dark Lord wants to see you." His voice dropped to a whisper and Regulus's face turned.

There was a second that the two brothers' eyes met and Sirius clearly saw the tears forming in his younger brother's eyes. But the moment ended and Regulus turned back to his companion.

"I need time. Can't I have some more time?"

"You have to make your decision! He's not willing to wait any longer!"

"Well maybe I'm not sure!"

Sirius walked away before he could hear the rest of the conversation - pushing his brother's face away, and went to find a companion. He'd stop walking in the halls alone.

-oOOo-

_I think I always knew what they were discussing. But did I know that a few moments after I walked away Mulciber would convince my little brother to 'make the decision' – to join the Death Eaters? No, not really, but I could guess at it. Maybe that's why my brother's face wouldn't leave my mind, because I knew by walking away he'd felt truly deserted, because I felt responsible for his fate._

_And wasn't I?_

_I guess not. He made the decision; it's not my fault. _

_I suppose it's not cowardice either. I didn't walk away because I was afraid. _

_Except I was._

_I was afraid of what I would hear if I stayed any longer. _

_I was afraid Regulus would speak to me - Regulus who hadn't spoken to me since my departure._

_So I was a coward._

_And now, now I can't shake away the guilt._

_I could've stopped it, after all he was so unsure. _

_I could have stopped his descent._

_But I didn't. I didn't and he suffered._

_He shouldn't have had to suffer, that's what older brothers are for after all. I was supposed to protect him. I could've protected him._

_And I didn't._

-oOOo-

Sirius watched the man in the black robe enter Hogs Head. He recognized him immediately; he'd been in the group that killed Marlene. He couldn't forget him; he'd stood to the side – not moving – and had to be dragged out by the other Death Eaters just as Sirius and the reinforcements arrived. And Sirius remembered the vomit he'd stepped in on the way out – hoping to catch at least one of them. Catch them and kill them.

Now he had the chance.

He made no effort to conceal himself; the bastard would look him in the eye when he died. Sirius would make sure of that. The man took a seat in the corner, away from curious eyes, and pulled out a wand, his eyes drifting to Mary Macdonald who sat in the corner – not far away.

Sirius guessed it was a punishment; the man was probably now being forced to prove his loyalty after embarrassing his "master" on the last mission. Sirius wouldn't let him complete it though; he'd make sure his loyalty went with him to the grave. Let the world think he was evil, let his "master" think him a coward.

Sirius approached quickly, his wand already at the ready just in case the man tried to kill her, just in case he tried to run.

The stranger didn't notice him; his eyes were now fixed on his victim as he slowly raised his wand.

"_Expelliarmus" _Sirius shouted and the other man's wand flew, but he didn't look up, he turned to the wall and fumbled – clumsily – with something in his robes. When he turned back around his face was covered in a mask.

Hogs Head, which was mostly deserted – except for Sirius, Mary, the barman Aberforth Dumbledore, the Death Eater, and a wizard he didn't recognize – instantly sprang into action. Aberforth and Mary went for their wands, the other wizards rushed for the door and the Death Eater ran, managing to get his wand just before Sirius sent a curse at his head.

"_Avada Kedarva!" _The man shouted, but his hand was shaking and the curse hit the wall behind Sirius, still it was enough to distract him, and by the time he regained his composure, the man was running through Hogsmeade.

"Sirius, don't...wait for -." Before Aberforth could finish, he was racing after the man.

He ran through the crowd shooting curses at anyone who got in his way. Thankfully the street was mostly deserted.

"_Stupefy!"_

He missed, but the man now knew that Sirius was pursuing him and stopped suddenly as if about to Apparate into thin air.

"_Impedimenta!" _Sirius tried again, there was no way he was letting him escape.

The man went flying and then crashed on the ground with a hard thud just as Sirius approached him. He was breathing heavily and reached out a hand for his wand, which was lying not far away, but Sirius kicked it away and held out his own wand ready to kill him.

With his wand still at the ready, he reached down and ripped off the mask remember his words - _the bastard would look him in the eye when he died. _Immediately he paused.

Grey eyes met grey and Sirius's arm shook as he stared down at Regulus, who was staring up at him – terrified.

"You idiot!" was all he could say, and the man – or boy, really – flinched at his words, just as he had when he was younger. "I should kill you."

He didn't answer, he didn't try to reach for his wand. He just continued to lie there – unmoving, staring up at his brother as if wondering at his next move.

"Say something! Say something you damned bastard! You -."

"Sirius," was all he said as a response.

"_Petrificus Totalus," _Sirius whispered and watched his brother freeze. "I'll leave you here for the rest of them to take to Azkaban. I hope you rot! You idiot! You bastard! You -!" He Apparated into thin air before he could cry.

Sirius Black never cried.

-oOOo-

_He didn't go to Azkaban that night; apparently Bellatrix Lestrange had been lurking nearby to make sure he fulfilled his mission. She saved him. I guess he was punished. I know he was punished. Probably by Bellatrix, after all his inability to kill would be her shame. _

_I will admit I cried, after all, who will ever know. I cried for my little brother who'd turn into a monster. But I didn't blame myself, not then, then I only blamed him and his stupidity. Now, now I see things more clearly. _

_Many would call me merciful for not killing him, merciful and good. _

_But I know it was only cowardice that drove me._

_I was afraid._

_Afraid of being stained with the blood of my brother._

_Because that would admit accepting what he'd become – a monster._

_A monster of my making._

_My abandonment._

_My betrayal._

_Regulus Black, was my failure. _

_I know that now._

_So let me die in peace. _

_And let them say of me that I died a hero._

_I died fighting for justice._

_I died fighting for Regulus._

_Whether or not it's true. _

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**A/N: I don't know if anyone is going to understand why I like this story so much. The style is odd and it's definitely not my best writing but I really like it. **

**Anyway, please review :)**


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